Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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