This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
