Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
