I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize