I haven't been this sober since birth.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
