help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
