my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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