I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
That was an excessively violent trivia night
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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