Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
