I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
