and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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