Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
