Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
