Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
