i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize