Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
