getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
