how can u be prego again
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I still have a little drunk in my system
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
