i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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