My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
