I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
