i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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