no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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