His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
