I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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