haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
