In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I enjoy the company of your penis
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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