It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize