just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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