She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize