I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
