exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
