how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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