The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
