Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize