I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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