I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
