Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
