hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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