Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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