Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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