Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
its liver damage thursday
Dear god my vagina.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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