His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
did i walk over a car last night?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize