Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
