She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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