literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
