The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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