You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
