he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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