me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
