if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Let's paint friendship bongs
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
