She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
