Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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