My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
