My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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