y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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