Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
