I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
