you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
