there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
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