can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
cat food counts as protein by the way
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize