my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
