remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
