I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
