I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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