I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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