thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
