I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We are all done wearing pants today
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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