So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
